Negative Self-Talk: Would You Talk to Someone You Love This Way?

A commitment to show up and write my truth | Day 276 of 365

Today is both the International Day of Non-Violence and World Smile Day, which is a funny pairing when you think about it. It's so easy to smile at a stranger and then, ten minutes later, say something to yourself you'd never forgive anyone else for saying.

I've done it for years.

My negative self-talk has covered nearly every category there is, starting with my weight and whichever part of my body I'd decided was too big or too small. In my twenties, I called myself fat when I wasn't. Apparently facts weren't invited to that conversation.

Yours might sound different. Maybe it's about your age, or the thing you still haven't finished.

Then came my other names: loser, failure, dumb, too slow, too late. Failure was the favorite. It showed up whenever a business decision went sideways or someone else seemed to be miles ahead of me.

I would never talk to someone I love that way.

The Negative Self-Talk I Mistook for Honesty

That voice gets loudest when I'm exhausted or overwhelmed, or when I'm standing at the mirror comparing myself to someone else. It always seems to pick the moments I need kindness most.

Some of it is mine. Some of it started as criticism I heard from other people and repeated so many times it began to sound like my own opinion. If you listen closely, you might recognize whose voice it was first. A parent, maybe, or a teacher you wanted to impress. Here's what makes negative self-talk so sneaky. After a while you stop asking where it came from. You assume it must be true, because you've heard it so many times.

If you've ever sent an email and then spent the evening wondering what's wrong with you, you know this voice. It rides along in the car and waits at the bathroom mirror.

Chances are you've called yourself something this week that would horrify you coming out of someone else's mouth about your best friend.

If my daughter made a mistake, I would never call her a failure. And if someone on my team needed more time, I wouldn't decide she was hopeless. I'd ask what kind of week she'd had.

So why has it been so hard to give myself that same humanity?

A Kinder Voice Can Still Tell the Truth

Being kind to myself doesn't mean calling every choice brilliant or covering every mistake with a motivational quote. I can still tell myself the truth. I just don't have to be cruel while I do it.

Sometimes the truth is, you made the wrong call. And sometimes it's simply, you're doing your best.

That second one has been hard for me to believe. I think it's because criticism always felt more productive. If I stayed hard on myself, maybe I'd move faster and finally earn the right to feel proud.

It never worked. All it did was leave me more tired.

A coach once told me something I still use daily. It goes like this : you are worthy, you are unconditionally loved, you are lovable, and there is love all around you. I'm grateful for her, and for every person who said it to me before I could say it to myself. What stays with me is when she said it applied. Not after the weight comes off or the business hits the number. Not even once I catch up to the version of me who never makes mistakes.

Now.

Would You Say It to Someone You Love?

Try this tonight. Think of the cruelest thing you said to yourself today, then picture your best friend saying it about herself. Notice how fast you'd jump to her defense. You've just been saving that for everyone but yourself.

If it's something you'd never say to her, it doesn't belong in your conversation with yourself either.

You might be tired. You might need help or a different plan. None of that makes you a failure. It means you're in a rough patch, and rough patches go better with a softer voice.

You are worthy and loved, even on the days your own head won't say it.

Today, on a day set aside for non-violence and smiles, I'm trying that out on myself. I'm listening for the words nobody else hears, and trying to speak to myself the way I'd speak to a friend.

I'm grateful you're here reading this. It tells me you're listening for that voice too, and I think that counts for something.

Your heart matters. So does mine.

Sending you lots of love, dear reader. I'm cheering you on. You got this. ❤️

About the Author | Day 276 of 365

I'm a soul-led coach, entrepreneur, mother, and recovering perfectionist, currently navigating healing, uncertainty, temporary chapters, motherhood, work, big transitions, grief, nervous system healing, overstimulation, emotional growth, and the ongoing lesson that life works a whole lot better when we stop trying to carry everything alone. Today that lesson looked like catching the cruelty hiding in my negative self-talk and offering myself the same compassion I'd give anyone I love.

Day 276 of 365. Still grateful, and still learning that kindness starts with how I talk to myself. 🐧