Between the Appointment and the Answer: What Waiting for Test Results Feels Like

A commitment to show up and write my truth | Day 294 of 365

I haven’t been feeling well for a while, and I’ve been quietly looking for answers.

Today I had more tests done. One result is already back. The others are still on their way, and I’m scared of what they might say.

I’m keeping the details private for now. But I didn’t want to skip today or write around it as if it were an ordinary Tuesday. Somewhere, someone reading this is sitting with the same kind of fear, and I’d rather she didn’t sit with it alone.

Maybe you’ve been here. You wanted an answer so badly, for so long, and then the moment one started to arrive, you wished you could slow it down. There’s relief in finally getting closer to understanding what’s been happening in your own body. There’s also a question that keeps tapping you on the shoulder, no matter what else you’re doing.

What happens next?

Waiting for Test Results Is Its Own Kind of Hard

Waiting for test results doesn’t pause the rest of your life. You still answer the email. You still make dinner and laugh at the right part of the story your kid is telling you. The whole time, part of your mind is somewhere else, rereading the one result you already have and trying to turn it into something you can understand.

If you’ve ever carried that, you know how much quiet effort an ordinary day can take. Nobody around you sees it. From the outside, you look completely fine.

Looking for Answers Is an Act of Self-Respect

Here’s what I keep coming back to tonight. I’m scared, and I’m also the reason these tests happened at all.

When something felt off, I didn’t talk myself out of it. I didn’t wait for it to get loud enough that I had no choice. I kept asking. I made the appointments and went back when I needed to, trusting that I know my own body well enough to say, something isn’t right, and I want to understand it.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about learning to listen to my body before it has to shout. This is what that looks like in real life. It isn’t always calm or graceful. Sometimes listening means sitting in your car after an appointment, keys in your hand, not quite ready to drive yet.

If you’re waiting on something right now, I hope you’ll give yourself some credit, too. Fear has a way of making us feel small and powerless. But you asked the question. You walked into the appointment you’d been putting off. That took courage, even if it didn’t feel like courage while you were doing it.

Letting the Fear Be Real

I’d love to wrap this up with something reassuring. Honestly, I’d love to feel reassured myself. What I actually have tonight is one answer and a handful of new questions, and the feelings are still being sorted.

I’m not going to rush myself toward a silver lining. I’ve tried that before, and it has never once made the waiting shorter.

I’m genuinely grateful I could get more testing done today, and that I’m closer to clarity than I was this morning. I’m also scared. One doesn’t cancel the other.

What I can choose is how I treat myself in the meantime. Tonight, that means being gentle with myself and not pretending to anyone, including me, that I’m fine.

If You’re Scared Too

I don’t have advice to offer you yet. What I can offer is company, for anyone who’s frightened and still getting through her day.

You’re allowed to tell someone you’re having a hard time. You don’t have to tidy it up first, or wait until you know how the story ends.

I’ll be here tomorrow, still waiting and still hoping. 💗

About the Author | Day 294 of 365

I’m a soul-led coach, entrepreneur, mother, and recovering perfectionist, currently navigating healing, uncertainty, temporary chapters, motherhood, work, big transitions, grief, nervous system healing, overstimulation, emotional growth, and the ongoing lesson that life works a whole lot better when we stop trying to carry everything alone. Today that lesson looked like trusting my body enough to keep asking for answers, and letting myself be scared while I wait for them.

Day 294 of 365. Still showing up. Still grateful. Still waiting for answers. 🐧