Self-Compassion When Nothing Has Turned Around Yet

A commitment to show up and write my truth | Day 314 of 365

As I write this, I’d need to check which day of this project we’re on. Three hundred and something. What I know for sure is that there are fifty-something days left in the year, and friends, I’m frustrated.

My year cannot end like this.

November has a way of doing that. The calendar starts counting down, and suddenly every unfinished thing feels like a verdict on the whole year.

I’m showing up and doing the work, and a few areas of my life are asking for more attention than usual right now. My nervous system is overstimulated. I have tools that help, and I use them. Reaching for them in the middle of an “oh poop, everything is bad” moment takes a kind of presence that’s harder to find when everything is loud.

Yesterday, I wrote about asking for help and still needing a hug. It got me thinking about self-compassion, and how I treat myself while I wait for things to get better.

I’m Still Checking In

Everyone who depends on me is fed and safe, and I’m showing up where I’m needed. Not perfectly, friends. It’s been rough. Where I needed to, I’ve apologized and hoped it would land. That’s what I can do.

Some people I love are going through heartbreaking, life-changing things right now. I’ve been reaching out and letting them know I’m here. I can’t fix what they’re facing, and I wish I could, but I can make sure they know someone is thinking about them.

Think about the last friend who called you on a bad day. You didn’t make them explain how they planned to fix things before you’d listen. You were just glad they called.

I learned a while ago that people often stay quiet when someone they love is hurting, simply because they don’t know what to say. They’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all, and the person going through it ends up feeling alone and isolated. The words don’t have to be perfect. Sometimes the most honest thing you can offer is, “There are no words. I don’t know what to say, except that I’m thinking of you and I love you.” More often than not, that’s enough.

Somewhere between those messages, it occurred to me that I’m struggling, too, and I hadn’t sent any of that love my own way.

Why Does Love Come With Conditions When It’s for Me?

When I check on the people I love, there’s nothing they have to do first. They don’t need to feel better or show progress. If they’re having a terrible day, I want to hear from them anyway.

The message I’ve been giving myself is closer to a deadline: turn this around before the year ends. Most of us would never talk to a friend that way. Yet it’s the voice so many of us use on ourselves without even noticing.

I do want things to change. Some parts of my life need real attention, and I care deeply about getting them right. What frustrates me most is that they aren’t moving on my timeline. I’m doing my part, and I keep glancing at the calendar like it owes me an answer. I want the effort I’m putting in to lead somewhere I can feel.

But what happens to me in the meantime? Do I keep pushing until I’ve built something I’m satisfied with, and only then allow myself some kindness?

I would have checked on a friend by now.

Choosing Self-Compassion Before Anything Changes

When I write it all down, the effort is easy to see. I’ve kept showing up for my home and the people I love through a stretch that hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been perfect, but I showed up, and that counts too. In the day-to-day, though, my attention goes straight to what’s still undone.

This is something I talk about with clients often: the way we speak to ourselves shapes how we move through everything else. Catching that harsh inner voice is a skill, and it’s one I keep practicing. Today I caught it, and I’m answering it in plain language.

I need some love.

I still want the changes. What I’m letting go of is the idea that kindness has to wait until they arrive. Self-compassion belongs in this stretch, the one where nothing has turned around yet, more than it belongs at any finish line.

I already know how to care for someone whose circumstances haven’t improved. I’ve been doing it all week. So I’m asking myself how I’m really feeling, letting the answer be honest, and giving real time to the things that help. The frustration can stay without guilt piled on top of it.

If you’re in a long stretch of your own, the same is true for you. You’re allowed to be kind to yourself before you have a good update to share. Send yourself the message you’d send your closest friend tonight.

There are fifty-something days left in this year, and I still want plenty to change. I’m not willing to spend those days holding back kindness while I wait. So today I’m checking in with me, too, because having a hard time is reason enough.

About the Author | Day 314 of 365

I’m a soul-led coach, entrepreneur, mother, and recovering perfectionist, currently navigating healing, uncertainty, temporary chapters, motherhood, work, big transitions, grief, nervous system healing, overstimulation, emotional growth, and the ongoing lesson that life works a whole lot better when we stop trying to carry everything alone. Today, I’m turning some of the love I give the people around me back in my own direction.

Day 314 of 365. Still showing up, and still deserving of love. 🐧