What Makes a Good Coach? She Helps You Trust Yourself

A commitment to show up and write my truth | Day 280 of 365

Before I ever worked with a coach, I pictured a whistle, a clipboard, and someone barking at me to run another lap.

That is not what I found.

Today is National Coaches Day, and I've been thinking about the coaches who changed my life and the clients who have let me sit beside them while they changed theirs. Mostly I've been thinking about what makes a good coach, because the answer surprised me, and I suspect it might surprise you too.

A good coach doesn't do the work for you. She doesn't arrive with a magic answer, rearrange your life, and send you home healed by Thursday. What she does is quieter. She helps clear away the noise until you can hear yourself again, and then she gently points out the old fears and patterns that have been steering you without your permission. The key you've been searching for turns out to be in your own pocket.

What Makes a Good Coach Starts With Questions, Not Answers

People come to coaching for all kinds of reasons. Some feel completely lost. Some want accountability or a clear head. Some are doing great, truly, and simply want to keep growing, because a good life can still have a next level. Plenty already know what they want and are afraid to say it out loud. And some just need one person who understands what they mean before they've found the words.

Clients ask me, "What should I do?" all the time. I usually answer, "What do you think you should do?" I know that can be annoying.

But most of the time, they know. The answer is simply buried under years of being told what a good woman does, what a successful person wants, and what keeps everyone else comfortable. If you've ever polled five friends about a decision your gut made weeks ago, you know exactly what I mean.

So I don't choose for anyone. I help her see why she feels stuck and what keeps pulling her back to the same spot, and then we look for a way forward that actually belongs to her. A coach who makes every decision for you can make life feel easier for a while. A coach who helps you trust yourself changes what happens after the sessions end.

The Key Was Always in You

The best coaches I've worked with never tried to convince me they had something I lacked. They showed me what was already there.

One of them gave me words during a stretch when I couldn't find a single kind one for myself. You are worthy. You are loved. You are lovable. You have love all around you. I read them every day. At first they felt like something she believed on my behalf. Slowly, I started to wonder whether I could believe them too.

That's what a good coach can do. She holds a truth steady until you're ready to hold it yourself.

I'm also deeply grateful for the business coach who has supported us lately. He has been generous with his time, drew up a detailed plan for one of my businesses, and answered question after question without once making me feel foolish for asking. When I was standing too close to the problem to see around it, he helped me find the angles. He didn't build the business for me. He showed me how I could build it, and there is a world of difference between those two things.

Good Coaching Doesn't Always Feel Comfortable

Every good coach I've had has told me something I didn't want to hear.

It stung. Sometimes I wanted encouragement and got a question that landed right on the spot where I was getting in my own way. Sometimes I wanted someone to agree that the problem was entirely out there somewhere, and instead I had to look at the part I could change. Then the sting settled, and I could see it was exactly what I needed.

Honesty isn't cruelty with a nicer name. Good coaching doesn't humiliate you or leave you feeling broken, and it never uses your vulnerability against you. The truth can be delivered kindly. What that looks like depends on the woman in front of me. One client needs room and a good question. Another needs me to say, "I've noticed this pattern. What do you think?"

Mostly, coaching is noticing the small things: the pause before an answer, the subject she keeps steering around, the way her voice shifts when she finally says what she wants. I'm not trying to catch her doing something wrong. I'm trying to notice when she starts to disappear.

The Day She Remembered Who She Was

I want to tell you about one of my favorite moments, and it belongs to a woman I know well.

She had spent years feeling small and unheard. She had grown so used to being diminished that she questioned whether she was allowed to take up space. Then one day, someone she was working with spoke to her with open contempt. When she finally pushed back, the person sneered, "Who do you think you are?"

She told them her name. "And that's freaking who," she added, and walked away.

Now that is a mic drop.

She didn't have a perfect line ready. She simply refused to make herself smaller so someone else could stay comfortable. She knew who she was, said it out loud, and left.

Nobody handed her that strength. It was hers all along. The people in her corner had simply held the truth steady until she was ready to pick it up.

How to Choose a Good Coach

Maybe you're reading this and wondering whether you need a coach, or whether the one you have is right for you. The biggest green flag is trust. You should feel heard, not like she's waiting for her turn to give her favorite speech. She shouldn't push her version of success onto your life or leave you feeling you'd fall apart without her. A good coach wants you more sure of your own judgment when you leave than when you arrived.

The red flags are easier to spot than we like to admit. Be wary of anyone who guarantees a transformation, pretends meaningful change is always easy, or pressures you to decide today with an urgency that appeared out of nowhere. Dependency is another one. If a coach needs you to believe she alone holds the answer to your life, that isn't empowerment.

A good coach also knows where her work ends. She doesn't pretend to be a therapist or a doctor when she isn't one, and she's honest when you need a different kind of support.

And if something feels off, believe it. You don't need a twelve-slide explanation for why your nervous system is saying no.

Even Penguins Don't Go It Alone

If you're embarrassed that you need support, I wrote What Penguins Can Teach Us About Getting Through the Hard Seasons of Life for you. Even penguins don't stand alone in the cold.

Needing a coach, or a mentor, or a community of your own doesn't make you incapable. It makes you human. The strongest people I know have support, and the wisest ones know which kind they need.

My clients have taught me about rebirth. I've watched women walk paths tangled with fear and uncertainty and, little by little, become peaceful, happy women who recognize themselves again. They did the work. I was honored to walk beside them while they did it.

So, in the words of my coach: you are worthy. You are loved. You are lovable. You have love all around you.

A good coach doesn't hand you a new identity. She helps you remember who you were before the world talked you out of it.

About the Author | Day 280 of 365

I'm a soul-led coach, entrepreneur, mother, and recovering perfectionist, currently navigating healing, uncertainty, temporary chapters, motherhood, work, big transitions, grief, nervous system healing, overstimulation, emotional growth, and the ongoing lesson that life works a whole lot better when we stop trying to carry everything alone. Today that lesson looked like thanking the coaches who helped me hear my own voice and remembering that the key we're all searching for is often already inside us.

Day 280 of 365. Still showing up. Still grateful. Still helping women remember exactly who they are. 🐧